I was having an ok day at work, ploughing through lots of stuff that needed doing. I even felt pleased for tackling some of the trickier ones. Good stuff I thought. Then the difficult person on the phone, the tricky conversation trying not to alienate the demanding person who doesn’t listen and wants to feel hard done to. The promise of calling them back tomorrow with a proper update. Knowing they won’t like some of what you have to say. Feeeling martyred for being the one who is being brace enough to say it, when others duck out. Knowing it may well upset me and cost me my hard-won equinamity.
Then the phone call from the significant other, not easy to talk, making the right noises and moves. Not sure if I mean it or just ‘playing’ the role I think required. Realising I am not being true to myself , hating myself for my weakness. Aware that I am getting it wrong. Not having the energy to change it.
Feeling after this that I can’t speak, that I need to speak, that I want to cry, that I can’t cry.cfeeling nervous, not wanting to give pain, not wanting to feel pain. And then home to my thoughts, my solitary state. The effort of getting a meal. Of having phone calls and responding in an appropriate manner. Not screaming, crying, giving way to despair. But feeeling it nonetheless.
Am I mentally ill, or just stressed, tired and mixed up? Can I be both?