I know I am very carefully not thinking about something, because it will hurt too much. I have beeen doing this for several months – I can almost remember what it is , but when I get close to remembering, my self-preservation kicks in and I ignore the fleeting glimpse of recall, like pulling back from the brink of an abyss.
Even writing that paragraph I wonder how honest I am being, how I am making it sound interesting and vaguely romantic, rather than something that is a bit weird and occasionally scary.
I have an important appointment. tomorrow – two in actual fact. The first is with the doctor, to get confirmation that my test results, whilst not perfect, are positive and I do not have a life-changing condition. Yes, something happened, but it may always be put down to ‘one of those things’ but that is a lot better to live with than the alternative.
The other appointment is for relationship counselling. With my significant other whom I left nearly five months ago. And I am scared, that I will revert to being the ‘people pleaser who puts her own needs on hold for someone else’ and forget the small but significant moves I have made in finding who I am – and quite liking that person. There is nothing wrong with being me. That is still a hard sentence to write and even harder to believe. But some days, some moments, I can feel that, and it is good.