I have opened all the doors in my head…..

…..but only the tide rolls in.

If I remember right, this is  quote from ‘The Women’s Room’ by Marilyn French, a book which influenced me greatly in the late 70s early 80’s.

The line keeps coming into my head especially after this weekend with seeing D on Thursday, accidentally on Friday, ringing him, seeing him today and …….

why do I feel such mixed emotions? I hate seeing him so down and miserable – but can’t cope with it being my job to sort him out. I have enough to do sorting myself. I got into fixer-mode, and no good came of that before. What about me, I can feel my inner person screaming, and then feel ashamed for being demanding. He says he wants to be there for me – but then I hear complaint that I am keeping him out. If he wants me back, why isn’t he willing to do anything? Listen to me, take an interest in me?

He had become possessive in a bad way, I was subsumed by it, suffocated, no room to be me, no privacy, no ‘rights’- why can’t I communicate that to him, how bad it made me feel, the rage I need to express about it all. But still I don’t want to give up on him. To make it work.

Another quote ‘ if I close my eyes and try with all my might to be the one you need’ – ‘Late for the Sky’ Jackson Browne. I couldn’t make myself fit/ squash myself any more. I was worried I was killing myself. Literally, the stress had caused partial blindness and some brain ‘episode’ – what next? I just need space to be myself for a while.

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