Doubts and benefits

I want to be with him, I vowed to be with him. I love him. We share similar tastes in several areas, we understand one another in many ways. When we are good, we are very good.

When we are bad, I have no privacy, he seems/sounds possessive, controlling, everything is full f angst, there is no rest, he is insecure and needy. Whe. I needed you, where were you? Why is it all my fault? Why when I went were you not actually beating yourself up – as many women do, going in for self-examination to see where your own personal responsibility fell down. No, it was all about ‘look at what I’ve done to him’ – spent time telling my sister where I was wrong. Not a lot of humility. Begged me – but in a way that implied he’d overlook my behaviour.

He doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t talk to him- I was at that point scared of him. He’d talk me round. He doesn’t like that I won’t tell him where I live. But I still feel safer that way. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to feel safe with him, but but but….

He broke the bargain, I did live it, he was not doing the house up and not working. Living the life of a retiree, and moaning about being lonely. Whilst I was working hard in what can be a demanding job – and not having anything to show for it. Not even picnics out, walks on beaches, camping trips – nah!

Do these ramblings clarify anything? Other than I am mixed up? I have found it so hard to articulate all this, it muddies in my head very easily.which is a large part of the problem.


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